Saturday, March 19, 2011

Peace and Happiness

I am at the end. I only want peace and happiness. Life daily gives us all things to find problems with. I have three children and one of them has special needs. There is always something to combat, fix, or improve upon. I have been telling everyone I know lately that I am not cut out to be a mom. It is not a peaceful life aspiration. I do believe though that there is peace in the way I see my life. There are times that my life goes so smoothly, and I lie in bed wondering what I did that made that day so different. I can usually see that I lived through my inner guide that day, but the days that are bristly, I can not put my finger on were I fell into the abyss that is my inner self. I say bristly, because when I put my youngest to bed, I often feel like a dog unwinding that has been petted against the fur all day. I want my days to go smoothly, and to express my love in all that I do. But, sometimes your guidance tells you to speak up, to not comply with those around you. I follow it and then I get thrown off track, with me having to improve those around me.
I want to teach self regulation and self discipline to my kids, and I learned from experience that violence does not teach these things. These skills and healthy self-esteem are what make people successful. When you feel confident in following your inner energy, you can do anything. That is the power that makes worthy changes in the world. I know that I need to guide and remind a thousand times, but I am tired of seeing it as a problem. I want above all to be happy and love them, to give them a place of peace where they know that they can accomplish anything.  I am not cut out to be a mom from anyone else's perspective.
I know it sounds kind of selfish; to want peace before teaching my kids. But, perhaps they learn more from what I do do than what I say. I also know that I am a better person when I am happy. I make better decisions and don't regret what I say and do. I have told my kids over and over, but they are kids and choose the easy way out. I am tired of thinking of it in these terms though.
I have decided to be the better person all around and let go. I will allow my inner energy to teach them.
I choose peace and happiness over what I see could be improved. I will fall into the abyss of faith and I know that the best will come of it.

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